Addiction to Fear
Think of the times you led with fear.
I have led with fear several times in my life and has never worked out well for me.
Sometimes I won’t communicate with a loved one of fear.
I will sit in my head over whatever issue it is.
Recently, it was taking a text my mom sent wrong.
I spent an entire weekend stewing in my head about what she said only to find out later on that I had read the text entirely wrong.
She had meant well, I just chose to see fear.
Sometimes it seems impossible that things could work out.
It seems like you have to just take whatever you seem to have at the moment.
It seemed to me for a long time that life was just about as good as it could get.
Oddly enough, having that attitude often led me to drinking or doing drugs.
Once I began to trust that life could be better, that things could be what I dream of or imagine, everything started to change.
I had always dreamed of living out in the country. I
enjoy the city but living in a rural area was where I felt most at home.
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I Learned how to Trust in Rehab
The NIH states that rehab gives you the support to get better.
In rehab, as soon as I made the choice to focus on being sober, I ended up having an opportunity to move out to a rural area.
I had been imagining and dreaming about this for years and years living in the city.
I am certain I had many drunken conversations about it.
Then, when I finally focused on doing it and opening myself up, it happened.
This is how I looked at recovery in general. It was scary, and it seemed like I was losing more than I was gaining.
That was only because I hadn’t lived my future life yet.
I couldn’t see what was down the road for me.
I wasn’t trusting what I felt was possible.
It’s almost like I didn’t feel like I deserved what I truly wanted.
Drinking was a cover for that.
Drinking was a cover to be ok with a life that was mediocre in my mind.
Things began to change in rehab when I started to trust myself.
I started to trust my vision of life.
I started to realize that I didn’t have to dread waking up in the morning.
If I had all my faculties and put all of my energy into something, I had the power to actively change it.
You can’t see this easily going from a life of being high to a life of being sober.
I promise you it is possible.
If I can do it, anyone can do it.
There are steps in learning how to trust yourself.
Sometimes it can’t happen overnight.
Here are some of the events that happened to me that cultivated trust.
Here are some of the things a good rehab program can help you cultivate.
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I started to pay attention to how I was making the same mistakes over and over again
After a series of life events where I hit rock bottom, I took time to reassess. I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have a place to live, a job, and I was alone. I knew that this time I had to make better choices and pay attention enough to avoid participating in the same patterns that had brought me here. I decided to do things differently and part of that meant I needed to give up dreaming. It was actively deciding to have a job where I would have a certain amount of freedom in where I could live and travel. It was also about choosing friendships and relationships that contributed to my health. I started to realize that most of my romantic relationships had started over a night of drinking. I decided that isn’t how I wanted to meet someone again in the future.
In Rehab I learned to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes
Now that I knew some of the patterns I had, clinging onto relationships, jobs, and friendships that were not meant for me. I needed to actively be able to call out these situations as they arose. Just because I realized that there are things and people that are not healthy for me didn’t mean those things and people just disappear overnight. What changed though was my ability to call out what is unhealthy for me and actively avoid whatever that was. I also had a stronger ability to say no.
For example, if a bunch of friends are going out to party all night, I would say no because I know that hangovers cause me a lot of anxiety and make me feel crummy in general because I am not being productive. I started to realize that being productive made me feel really good and every day I moved a little closer to my goals. That was liberating for me and helped me to develop trust in myself.
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I Started to Hold Myself Accountable
The reason why I hadn’t really progressed much was because I wasn’t holding myself accountable to my goals. It’s difficult to hold yourself accountable when you don’t have your own best interest in mind. Once I was able to recognize the harmful patterns, I had been putting myself in I was able to recognize when to hold myself accountable. I learned to trust my own judgement rather than be swayed by a person or a moment.
A lot of it for me was learning to say no to drinking. It was also learning to say no to things in general. I learned to say no to spending time with people doing things that I didn’t want to do. I wanted to learn to play guitar and I spent all of my extra time just doing that. Whatever your passion is, if you pursue it, and stay accountable, you will eventually fall into your own rhythm and meet other like-minded people.
I Realized Trusting Myself Allowed me to Trust Others
According to the NIH, having meaningful relationships is a crucial part of your recovery. I had a difficult time trusting others before I decided to get sober. I am an open-minded person. Add that with drinking and I attracted all kinds of people. A lot of them were not good people and did not have my best interest in mind.
Part of recovery was realizing who did have my best interest in mind. It is much easier to understand this when you are sober. Perhaps where you had a ton of friends before you will only have a few, but these few people are all you need. Trust me when I say it will become totally obvious who needs to go. It may take time to empty your life of those who are toxic, but when you are sober your awareness will come back enough to see who stays and who needs to go.
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Trusting Other People’s Process of Recovery
If you know someone who is going through recovery from addiction, trust that if they make the choice to become better, they will.
Recovery is not a linear path.
According to the NIH it is different for everyone.
It is full of ups, downs, and sometimes circles.
But if you continue to trust someone and have faith in them, they will eventually come around.
If they do not, then you can reassess whether or not this person is worth having in your life.
Especially if their addiction has caused you harm.
It will be different with every person, but if someone makes an effort to do something and you care about them, stand by them.
Rehab is the perfect place to regain trust once again yourself.
Once you trust yourself, you’ll know when to stay and when to leave.
