What Is Enabling? How It Affects Addiction Recovery

When someone we love starts to develop addictive behavior, our first instinct is to help them in any way that we can. But do our actions and behaviors help those who struggle with addiction, or are we just adding fuel to the fire for their addiction? So what is enabling, how is it different from supporting, and how can we change our behaviors to help those who struggle with addiction? Let’s begin by explaining examples of enabling addiction — and how to prevent it.

Understanding Enabling Behavior

When we see someone we love and care about hurt themselves, our first reaction is to reach out and help them in almost any way that we can. So when someone we love is hurting themselves through drug or alcohol addiction, naturally, we want to help them — but there is a fine line we might walk between enabling someone’s behavior and supporting them. Enabling might look like pretending there is no problem or helping them fix mistakes that they’ve gotten into.

So how is it different from supporting? Supporting someone is helping with something they can’t do for themselves. When the person you love is going through addiction and tells you that they don’t have a problem, enabling would be nodding your head and agreeing, while supporting would be shaking your head and telling them directly that it is a problem. Support might also look like driving them to a support group meeting or helping them find the right therapist or recovery program. Your supportive behaviors should be that of helping and not condoning.

Types of Enabling Behaviors

There are many ways enabling an addiction can take place. Here are some common examples:

• Financial enabling: Giving them money every time they ask or paying their bills.
• Emotional enabling: Making excuses about their addiction or even simply denying that there is a problem.
• Controlling enabling: Withholding money or car keys so they won’t go out, but still not actually helping the addiction problem.

While we want to help our loved ones with their addiction, some of our behavior can be enabling. Let’s say that you are supposed to let the dog out and unload the dishwasher every morning while the person, the addict, is supposed to start the laundry and feed the fish. But soon, they stop doing the laundry and only feed the fish; now you have to add laundry to your morning list, but then you might as well feed the fish because it might just be easier if you do it so you know it’s getting done. It might seem like you are helping, but where will it stop, or how far will you go before your own mental and physical health are jeopardized?

Impact of Enabling on Addiction Recovery

Enabling behaviors can ultimately delay an individual’s decision to seek help. Even behaviors that we think of as helping or being helpful, like supporting someone financially, may make us feel good, but they aren’t helping the addict they are helping the addiction. Such behaviors can delay an addict’s decision to go into a drug or alcohol addiction treatment program or even make them feel justified in their excuses. Instead of supporting the person with a voice of concern, ignoring or explaining away their problems can make things worse.

Recognizing Enabling Behaviors

Of course, it’s never easy to think that our own loved one might struggle with addiction, especially if that person is a spouse or a child. Try taking a step back and try to look at your behavior toward that person and their addiction, thinking about their addiction like another person. Were you or your actions helping the one struggling with addiction, or were you fueling the addiction directly? Did you justify what you did because perhaps you haven’t come to terms completely that the addiction is really there, and maybe they are just having a hard time right now? Here are some common signs of enabling behavior to look out for:

• Ignoring and tolerating the problematic behaviors: For example, finding receipts from liquor stores even though the person struggling with addiction said they haven’t been drinking and not saying anything about it.
• Financial assistance: This can look like someone constantly asking you for money anytime they see you. Typically, it’ll start with them being nice and maybe even seeming “back to normal,” but in the end, they ask you for money, and you provide it.
• Covering for their addiction: This can play out in different ways, from the addict constantly not showing up to friend and family events to you calling them out sick at work or school because of the consequences they would face.
• Avoidance: This one can be especially hard, and it might look like you know your spouse has too many drinks when you go out to eat, but instead of bringing the issue up, you avoid it.

Breaking the Cycle of Enabling

Setting and maintaining health boundaries can help create or rebuild trust and safety, as well as establish respect in your relationship. Boundaries can also help you avoid or heal from feelings of resentment. Setting and maintaining your boundaries will also help your mental health, which comes with loving and caring with someone who struggles with addiction. There are many ways to help an addict without enabling. Here are some tips on how to encourage accountability and responsibility with a loved one struggling with addiction:

• Take small steps toward setting healthy boundaries to make it easier to maintain.
• Reflect on the reason for the boundaries.
• Be consistent with them and point out when they are crossing that boundary.
• Check in with your own needs and practice self-care. Self-care in recovery is essential — both for the patient and their loved ones.

Supporting a Loved One Without Enabling

There are ways that you can provide emotional support that will help encourage someone who struggles with addiction in recovery:

• Listen to them without judgment: While they may already be seeing a mental health professional, it’s also important that when they open up about what they are struggling with, you just listen and do not judge.
• Offer encouraging words: Remind them of how far they’ve come, even if it’s only been a month, weeks, or even days. You are part of their support team, which means being their cheerleader, you don’t need to be cheerful all the time, but an encouraging word or two can change their day instantly.
• Don’t try to solve all their problems: Someone who struggles with addiction is going to have several problems — and remember, it is not your responsibility to solve these problems. Helping them figure out a solution together, serving as another voice of reason, or even thinking outside the box is supportive, but remember not to do all the work; that’s their responsibility, not yours. Ultimately, professional alcohol or drug addiction treatment is their best hope for a better future.

Seeking Help for Enablers and Addicts

In many ways, participating in family therapy can be beneficial for the family as a whole while someone is in the recovery process. Not only does it provide a safe space to talk your truth, but it can also help start some conversations that may be difficult to manage without the help of a professional. It might also reduce the feeling of being alone, because addiction in any form can feel isolating for the abuser and their family. Psychotherapy can help you find your way back to each other and regain trust. If you are ready to put addiction in the past and start on the road to recovery, call Resurgence Behavioral Health at 855-458-0050 or contact us online.

David Rofofsky
After growing up in New York, David chose to get help with substance abuse in California because of the state's reputation for top-tier treatment. There, he found the treatment he needed to achieve more than nine years of recovery. He's been in the drug and alcohol addiction rehab industry for eight years and now serves as the Director of Admissions for Resurgence Behavioral Health. David remains passionate about the field because he understands how hard it is to pick up the phone and ask for help. However, once the call is made, someone's life can be saved.

Research | Editorial